Christmas is here again, along with it comes the mince pies, the re-runs of ‘Love Actually’, and the question that all single women hate having to deal with:
‘So why are you still single?’
Haley Quinn, dating coach, knows 2020 might have been a bit of a wipe out for your love life (thanks Covid!)and you may be dreading returning home for your annual Christmas questioning about when you’re going to finally meet someone.
Whether you love being single, or are longing to hang up your single status, I want to give you 3 confident boosting ways you can handle this tricky seasonal question.
Why do people ask why you’re still single?
I get it: if you’ve been running an assault course of ghosting, breadcrumbing, and socially distanced dating, any question that implies you’re not trying hard enough to meet someone is aggravating.
Remember though, when people default to this piece of small talk, they rarely mean it unkindly.
It could be that your Great Aunt doesn’t get that grilling you about that guy you ended it with 6 months ago shines an awkward light on your singleness, and well-meaning relatives may even be trying to pay you a compliment. I think every single woman has heard the old, ‘there must be guys queueing up to date you!’ a few times.
So, if someone’s put their foot in it, take a deep breath and remember, you’re better than this!
Your confidence boosting mindset
If you’re struggling with being single, and are feeling demotivated about meeting someone, the last thing you want to do is to dissect the reasons behind it! This is exactly why you need to get into a confident mindset around being single, especially if you’re flying solo through the holidays.
Once you feel 100% certain that being single is actually a great thing for you, this will mean you will be able to answer this tricky question confidently: that’s sometimes a lot easier said than done though!
To help you to get into the right mindset around being single, try using a daily affirmation. One affirmation you can use is; “Being single is my choice.”
You may feel like all the good guys have run out of stock (a bit like that Heston Blumenthal Christmas pudding) but the reality is you could find a relationship tomorrow: but that’s not good enough for you. You want to choose to be in a relationship with someone who is a major value add to your life. Someone you’re excited to be with, not just anyone; and this is the real reason why you’re still single.
Holding out for a special connection, and not feeling the need to be in a relationship just so you’re not alone, is not only healthy, but says a lot about your self-esteem. It can be hard to always feel like this but remember, being single is always better than being trapped in the wrong relationship. Or as my grandmother always put it, “better to be left on the shelf, than locked in the wrong cupboard…”
Your confident answer to, ‘Why are you still single?’
First things first, you’re single by choice, so you don’t need to justify yourself. Whilst it can be funny to relay your biggest dating disasters from 2020, this may not help you to feel empowered about your singleness. Save the stories for a catch up with your girlfriends, and instead focus on responding confidently.
When someone asks you this question, speak up and maintain good eye contact: you will come across as a woman who is firmly in control of her own life and actions.
Avoid apologising with self-deprecating statements like, ‘I don’t know, I must be doing something to put them off!’ and start owning your singleness instead, with statements like ‘I guess no one’s impressed me enough just yet…’
If you don’t feel like relaying your recent dates to your family, this is one subject where it is okay to be aloof. Being vague can also save you having to justify yourself; so skip the details, and instead try saying, ‘Well I guess that part of my story is still being written…’
Also don’t shy away from changing topics and redirecting the conversation. Your family may not have realised that women have other things to do with their time than meet a partner! You could say, ‘Not so much on the man front, but I’ve had a lot going on, on the work front, it’s quite exciting actually….’ to give them a hint to ask you about something you’re excited to talk about.
Your dating game plan for 2021
If you ignore something you know you must do, whether it’s dishes in the sink, or a work deadline, it will feel stressful. The second you start getting a game plan together to tackle a problem within your life, it’s going to feel better. If you’re determined this is your last single Christmas, then there couldn’t be a better time to get a game plan together for 2021!
Recent research from Match.com suggests that the busiest day for online dating next year is coming up on January 3rd! So in between the sprouts and the Bailey’s, now is a great time to give your online dating profile a spring clean and get back out there.
If the thought of dating right now makes you sigh, then this is a signal to you that you need to approach dating differently, rather than give up altogether!
Getting into a happy relationship is a marathon, not a sprint, so it’s more important that you feel good along the journey, than reach the destination early. For you that could mean refocusing on meeting him in real life, taking a break from dating to focus on another project, or finally getting over that pesky ex.
What’s most important is that you date in a way that maintains your motivation levels and your self-esteem.
So don’t worry about showing up for Christmas dinner without a new partner; instead focus on spending every day next year feeling good about yourself, regardless of your relationship status.
Article by Haley Quinn; Hayley Quinn is a dating coach distinguished public speaker and lecturer who has appeared on TV and radio shows across the UK, USA and beyond, providing lively debate and content on love and dating. Hayley’s candid, sassy, humourous Ted X talk about love and identity has been viewed 2 million times. The popularity of her talk is a testament to her open and engaging speaking style. As well as relationships and dating, her talks cover a wide range of topics including entrepreneurialism, communication and self-confidence. She’s appeared on shows ranging from BBC News, to Celebs Go Dating, to The Apprentice and is a safe pair of hands for live TV and broadcast.
Check out Haley's website www.hayleyquinn.com!