10 things you will miss about college during the summer

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May 26, 2014

Let’s face it, there is a LOT of stuff you can do in college that just doesn’t happen in real life. Here are some examples of what we will miss most this summer:

1. Not being able to see your college friends every day. Sniff.
We live and breathe every minute with our college homies and adapting to spending time without them is one of the major downsides to summer.

2. Midday drinking
Now that you’re back home, it’s no longer possible to skip your 3 hour lab for a pint of Fosters in the student bar. Instead, the only alcohol you will consume during the day will be the Bailey’s cheesecake your Granny offers you during lunch.

3. Peaceful sleep-ins
Back in college, daily lie-ins were always a part of your morning routine. Sadly, you are now woken at 9am by your mother who sharply opens the curtains and lectures you on how “you should be outside enjoying the good weather while we have it!” Ugh.

4. Having an excuse not to work
Throughout the college year there’s always an assignment to be used as an excuse not to get a job. Now that you have three to four months sitting on your behind, you have no excuse to pass down a job offer from the local supermarket. For those of us who already had part-time work, prepare for a dramatic increase in ‘weekday’ work. Whoo.

5. Meeting new people
College offers brilliant opportunities to meet new and exciting people almost every day. At home however, you know everyone in your little town or village. A whole summer spent with the same people day everyday is bound to take its toll. Bring back the randomers!

6. Going out whatever night you feel like it
Whether you’re in Dublin or Cork, Limerick or Galway, any night can be a ‘going out’ night. To our misfortune, Monday Madness and three euro pints on a Thursday are unheard of concepts in our locals. Drinking on a weeknight at home offers a crowd of your father’s friends and a varied choice of Guinness or Heineken on tap. Monday Madness? We think not.

7. The classes you actually like
Although attending class wasn’t really your thing all semester, during the summer months we would happily sit in a class with the oddball lecturer who likes to reminisce about his weed smoking days on an escapade to Holland back in the 80’s. The entertaining stories kept your mind occupied.

8. The convenience of delivery food
In college, if you don’t feel like cooking, food was only a call away. Whether it’s Chinese or Indian, food is at your doorstep within the hour. However, if you live in the back arse of nowhere and you’re pretty sure that the sat-nav doesn’t even acknowledge where you live, scraping the bottom of the freezer for a microwave pizza is as good as it gets.

9. The Free Wi-Fi
Hey, not everywhere has free Wi-Fi, it’s a commodity in this world! Not the best connection at times but it still kept you constantly connected during those ‘morning after the night before’ scenarios when a tagged photo or two needed to be removed immediately.

10. Being able to live on a budget
In college it’s quite acceptable to live off literally zero cash. The summer months are an expensive time what with bikinis to be bought for sun holidays and interrailing tickets to be paid for. There’s grown -up style responsibilities on the horizon and it’s time to start saving. Sigh.

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Important life lessons we have all learnt from Father Ted

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May 23, 2014

by Amber Saunders

There’s no TV show quite like the Irish classic, Father Ted. And there never will be again.

But it’s not all fun and games on Craggy Island, here are some important life lessons that Father Ted has taught us all over the years.

1. Sometimes you have to do the impossible. And kick Bishop Brennan up the arse

2. Always expect the unexpected

3. It’s always okay to have a bit of a flirt

4. Say no to drugs.

5. And yes to puppies

6. Dance like nobody is watching

7. Try not to get caught

8. Take pride in your appearance

9. And in your achievements

10. Sometimes you can’t help who or what you love

11. Eggs are feckin’ great

12. So is tea

13. You should never say no to tea

14. Racism is bad

15. Stand up for what you believe in

16. Ryan Tubridy shouldn’t be on The Late Late Show

17. Ireland’s Eurovision days are over

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30 things every Irish mother says

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May 23, 2014

by Amber Saunders

There’s no woman on earth like your own Mammy. She has the power to make you cry and fear a mere cooking instrument, also known as the dreaded, all-powerful wooden spoon.

Here is the definitive list of things your Mammy says:

1. “Don’t eat that, you’ll ruin your dinner. I’ve spent all fecking day cooking it.”

And she actually has.

2. “GET UP NOW. You’re as fecking lazy. We’ll be at the back of mass at this rate.”

Mothers hate lie in’s. 9am may as well be 3pm to her.

3. “Sweep in the floor there love.”

A happy home has a clean floor.

4. “Your Granny is getting on my WICK.”

How ironic.

5. “I will in my arse bring you into town now, I’ve more to be doing. Ask your father.”

Asking Mammy dearest for a lift when she’s not in the mood is just plain stupid. You may as well be asking her for a kilo of cocaine.

6. “Stop with your cursing for fecks sake, what kind of yokes are you hanging around with in Dublin? They must be awful yokes. I’ve never heard that kind of language from you until you went up there.”

Any issue you have with your Mammy is automatically the fault of “that crowd you hang around with.”

7. “When did you last go to mass hah? EASTER? Saint Anthony himself couldn’t help you to find a good mass.”

Don’t even think about admitting to Mammy when you last went to mass. Mother of Divine Lord she’ll have a heart attack.

8. “Did ya hear about Bridie’s third cousin’s mother? You DO know her. Well anyway, she died there yesterday.”

If you don’t know the entire surrounding parish and their family tree then you’ve failed your mother.

9. “I started one of those computer courses, I’ll be better than you now on the computers.”

Thank God. Does this mean no more questions?

10. “You’ve a WHAT? Well where’s this boyfriend from? What do his parents do?”

No road frontage? He’s not comin’ round here.

11. “Stop it. STOP THAT FIGHTING OR YE’LL MAKE ME CRASH.”

While she dramatically shoves a hand round the back of her seat swatting anything she can reach.

12. “Jesus I fecking hate that lad. OH HELLO Paddy!”

Mammy is very two-faced, she’s so two-faced that she even has a fake laugh. She hates half the parish but acts like she’d happily marry the majority of them off to her children.

13. “I don’t want a present at all, don’t be wasting your money on me.”

Don’t listen to this, she doesn’t mean it!

14. “Have a great night now, don’t get too pissed.”

Just because your mother gets gee eyed after two glass of Sauvignon Blanc doesn’t mean she wants you to. Not in the local town anyway. God almighty, what’ll they think if they see you drunk.

15. “Where the feck do you think you’re going in that. Look at the length of that dress. What’ll they think?”

16. “Well. How was your night? Did you meet anyone nice? What’s wrong? ARE YOU HUNGOVER?”

Sitting at the kitchen table with your eyes hanging out of your head, you think your Mam would feel some pity and make you a fry. Nope.

17. “Do I have any news? I don’t think so no. Nobody died.”

Unless somebody died, then there’s no news. Mammy lives for the death notices.

18. “What would you give that dinner out of ten now, honestly?”

This is a TRICK QUESTION. Always say eleven. Always.

19. “GET OUT, OUT. I’m trying to watch Fair City. It’s a good one tonight, someone dies.”

Mammy’s soap moments are sacred.

20. “Turn that fecking noise down, I’m trying to concentrate on the driving.”

21. “Ah jaysus. Another fecking wedding and nothing to wear.”

Mammies hate weddings. Well actually, Mammy pretends to hate weddings what with having to recycle all of those two piece outfits from Clerys. But get some wine into her and she’ll be jigging to Galway Girl until three in the morning, the divil.

21. “Why couldn’t you have just done teaching. Jesus those teachers are great.”

All Mammy ever wanted was a primary school teacher for a child and instead she got you and your ‘media’. When the neighbours ask her what her young one is at, she says teaching anyway.

22. “Don’t forget to put sods on the fire. I mean it.”

Mother of God, don’t let the fire that Mammy worked so hard to light, die.

23. “Look at them there now with their big feck off car, pure notions.”

Having notions is for the lowest-of-the-low. Mammy doesn’t like that, so don’t even think about coming home with any notions or she’ll soon bate it out of you.

24. “I joined the Facebook, Mary. Jaysus it’s mighty so it is. I’ve seven friends on it now.”

We all live in fear of the day our mothers join Facebook. Soon she’ll be posting reminders to wash your hair on your wall and liking your check-in statuses. Mort0.

25. “I’m going to town, do you know now what you can do for me when I’m gone?”

Always go to town with Mammy. If you don’t, then she’s certain to leave you a to-do list that’ll take five hours to get through.

26. “Isn’t it well for ye now.”

This means she thinks you’re getting notions. Watch out.

27. “Oh this? I got it reduced in Dunnes. It’s grand isn’t it?”

This is the single reason that all Irish women respond to every compliment with “Penneys €5″. Mammy and her Dunnes. Damn you Mammy.

28. “I will not get off the phone you little brat, who do you think pays for it?”

Mothers spend at least 15% of their day gossiping on the phone to their sisters. FACT.

29. “Mary, Mary, MARY. Come here for a second. How do I go back to RTE One?”

She’d just gotten used to the old telly and then that Soar View came in and now she’s back to square one. Not even able to change the channel.

30. “A BOYFRIEND? Don’t get pregnant for Jesus sake.”

Mammy lies awake at night fearing that some day, one of her little lambs will come home pregnant. What would everyone say? To ensure this doesn’t happen she put’s the fear of God into them from an early age. Prevention is key.

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10 things you will learn when you enter the ‘real world’

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May 22, 2014

by Amber Saunders

It’s time to enter the so-called “real” world. Here are some hard lessons you will soon learn in this next exciting phase of your life.

1. Wages
You’ll be paid a whole lot less than you think thanks to those lovely things we call taxes. Never heard of ’em? You will soon.

2. Co-workers
Some of them won’t like you, it’s natural, but try to learn from them. All they see is this self proclaimed hot shot coming straight out of college whereas more than likely you’re a diamond in the rough and need to be cut and polished before you can be left to your own devices.

3. Your boss
He or she may have been on the interview panel, and may have asked you personal questions in order to assess your suitability for the position but don’t for a second think that they didn’t forget your name the second you walked out the door.

4. Don’t stand still
Technology is changing every day, exponentially and the days of getting locked into a civil service position for life are becoming less and less. Self improvement and up-skilling are the key to you staying relevant while moving forward. So take advantage of any courses or seminars that will better you. If you stand still you’ll become an unmotivated drone!

5. Bringing in lunch
You probably learned this in school but keep the smelly lunches to a minimum. Healthy, scentless food will be better for you in the long run, both in popularity and in health situations.

6. Gossip
The water cooler conversations as they are now well known throughout the world. Learn to keep your comments neutral and rarely gossip about people in your new work. You don’t know how long the person you are speaking to has been there or where the allegiance lies. Just nod and smile, people, nod and smile!

7. Inter office relationships
Look, it’s going to happen. People just can’t control themselves and make extremely poor choices but make sure it doesn’t hinder you. The fewer people that know, the better. You don’t want to become the gossipee, do you?

8. Take the right “sick days” off
Some people never take a day off, some people do. But unless you have your spine hanging out maybe don’t take a Monday off after a massive weekend on the piss. Go in and deal with everything “the fear” has to throw at you. The odd Monday is fine, of course, but repetition will be noted.

9. Office parties
Please be on your best behaviour at these events. It’s so easy to swallow a bit too much eggnog at the Christmas party and deliver a few home truths about your boss, but that kind of behaviour will land you straight in HR on your first day back.

10. You will make mistakes
Ask questions because everybody makes mistakes. If you keep your mouth shut, you will walk head first into these mistakes so take the initiative and ask someone who can you a heads up!

And of course, above all, enjoy!

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6 things all student teachers have to endure

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May 21, 2014

by Amber Saunders

Whether you’re in Mary I, St. Pats, Marino, or any other form of “teacher training” college, you know that we as the future educators of our nation’s youth have a variety of problems that others just don’t understand. From placement to assignments, we’re subjected to a variety of problems that you just won’t find anywhere else. So here is just a sample of the many student teacher problems faced every year:

1. The subjects

Upon entering college as freshers, students are expecting to be challenged in terms of learning and amounts of alcohol consumed and while it’s safe to say the latter is most definitely true, the subjects studied can sometimes leave a lot to be desired for.

2. The stale jokes

“Teaching? I suppose you’re only in it for the holidays!” Every. Time.

3. Spotting pupils in public

Don’t make eye contact, don’t make eye contact…Damn. Queue awkward wave.

4. Studying for exams

Nothing is quite like a group of student teachers studying for upcoming exams. Tensions run high, people break down and you begin to convince yourself that primary school Irish has definitely gotten harder.

5. Explaining the course to your friends

There is nothing quite like the look on your friends faces when you explain you can’t go out because you have to make a powerpoint based on two websites for kids. There is little joy in having to explain your course to your friends simply because they will refuse to believe that what you do is tough, which makes the fact you barely passed a module even worse.

6. Placement

This is what every student teacher looks forward to. THIS is why you wanted to do teaching right? To stand up at the top of the class and see students learning material for the first time. You taught them this, they’d be nothing without your charts and materials and worksheets.

What nobody tells you is that those charts, materials and worksheets take time. Spending 4+ hours preparing materials for the following day became a reoccurring ritual and the sound of a printer churning out worksheet after worksheets can make even the sanest person begin shouting nonsensical abuse at the machine.

Lord help you if you run out of ink or laminator sheets after the shops close.

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The emotional cycle of a break-up

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May 19, 2014

by Amber Saunders

Break-ups are never easy and often it can feel like an emotional rollercoaster. Here are just some of the emotions you will feel after a relationship ends.

1. At first, you’re all like: “I’m freeeeee.”

2. Then whisky sets in

3.Self-pity takes over

4. You purposely say no to social plans just in case your ex is there

5. Then you find out they are already in another relationship!

6. So, you just sit in the dark, cuddling a bottle of wine. Obviously not the best idea.

7. Then you come to the realisation: “It was all THEIR fault!”

8. You try to find closure by deleting them from all social media outlets along with any photo of them anywhere. And their friends too.

9. And you get all of your family to do the same.

10. Then you run into them out of the blue

11. And hooking up is only natural, right?

12. So, what now?

13. And then it all happens all over because there was a reason you broke up in the first place

14. But, after all that, you only wish them the best in life.

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Lies everybody hears after a bad break-up

Celebrity

May 19, 2014

by Amber Saunders

1. “It has nothing to do with you.”
Oh ya, they just left because THEY were needy and obsessed. Sure.

2. “You’re better off without them.”
But we don’t feel like that.

3. “They’ll never find someone as good as you.”
The following week you see them with that Miranda Kerr look-a-like who works in BT’s. Crap.

4. “You’ll find someone again soon.”
Ya sure. Do you know how long it took to find that one?

5. “They are going to regret this.”
No, you did do that massive thing you shouldn’t have. They won’t regret it.

6. “Now you get to enjoy the single life!”
Back here again? Seriously.

7. “You’ll forget all about this one day.”
This hurt? Not a chance.

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11 ways Irish women judge men

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May 19, 2014

by Amber Saunders

Top 10 biggest turn-offs in a guy

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May 16, 2014

by Amber Saunders

1. Too much body hair
No, no, no. What IS that peeping out of your shirt? NO!

2. The smoker/drug user
Smokey breath? No thanks. Acting like drugs are the coolest thing on earth while dancing like maniac? Double no thanks.

3. The one in a relationship with his abs
He’s obsessed with himself, and the gym.. all he talks about is working out! Oh hey Mr.Abercrombie and Fitch.. did you buy you top in the children’s section so your muscles would try to escape out the sleeves? #weknow

4. No aspirations in life
So he’s left school/college, has no job, and has no intentions of getting one either.. This guy is more than happy to sign on each month, and get paid to drive around in his Passat, creeping 17 year olds. He doesn’t have a plan in life, or hasn’t set any goals.

5. Dirty Runners
Where will you get in looking like that? We’re not waiting outside with you #thatsforsure

6. The show off
No one likes a show off, so be modest and charming and you will win the race.

7. Poor Hygiene
This is vital. Smelly breath/underarms and anything else you may need to address is detrimental to how far you will get with us ladies.

8. The Gas Man
Okay so if we’ve been with you for like, 2 years, it may be something we need to live with. But on the second date? Seriously? It was one of those silent killers too…

9. Irresponsible
Grow. Up. Clean your house, pay your rent and your bills like a grown up.

10. The Beauty Queen
Oh, you take longer to get ready than we do? *closes door*

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7 types of people you see during exam season

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May 16, 2014

by Amber Saunders

They stalk the library, they head home for the entire study week or they crawl into a ball and cry. Which person do you become during exam season?

1. The Confident Planner
Before even opening the paper and attempting to read any of the questions, you write down the exact time you’re allowing yourself for each section. You got this.

2. The Brave Level-Headed Soldier
If the soundtrack to your life was available, you would hear the pounding force of ‘Eye of the Tiger’ or the soaring string melody that plays as William Wallace fights for Scotland and FREEDOM. Armed and ready with your brand new pen in hand, and channelling every motivational speaker you watched in the last few weeks, you underline everything you think is important , making you feel in control; while the exam may take your life (social that is…let’s not be extreme) IT WILL NEVER TAKE YOUR FREEDOM: Enter William Wallace…

3. The Extreme Worrier
You have hightlighted your ENTIRE book and nothing has gone into your head. Nothing.

4. Self-loather
Just should have started studying sooner. Whyyyyy!

5. Lurker
If you sit in the library long enough, somebody will help you. Somebody. “Hey, you! What questions are you planning? Can I see your notes?”

6. The Creative improvisation master
Wing it. Be grand.

7. The Optimist.
It can’t be worse than the Leaving Cert, so who cares?!

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9 super awkward things that happen on dates

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May 16, 2014

by Amber Saunders

Dating can be a very awkward experience, especially in the early stages when you know nothing about each other and try to present the best possible portrait of yourself. You try and hide your embarrassing secrets and are both trying to figure out if you really like one another enough to pursue the relationship any further. Maybe some of these awkward moments ring a bell?

1. The first time you go to hold their hand.
This can be a difficult moment to judge. When is the “appropriate time” to hold their hand. You’re wondering if they’re thinking the same thing but struggle to get a good read of the situation.

2. Getting food in your teeth
Getting home from your date, you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and notice an enormous piece of spinach hanging between your two front teeth! How long has it been there? Did they notice? WHY didn’t they say anything?!

3. How to pay the bill?
Is he going to pay the bill or maybe you should offer? Or maybe you should go halves? Oh, we just don’t know.

4. Trying to hide that you’re seeing a couple of people at once
What if they think you’re exclusive?

5. Ordering the chicken wings
There is officially no way to do this gracefully.

6. When it’s time to have “the talk!”
Oh no, you’re so not ready for this!

7. You have to use the bathroom.
It’s inevitable.

8. Seeing each other naked
Seeing each other in the nip for the first time can be awkward, especially if one, or both of you, are self-conscious about parts of their bodies. Just know that if one of you is self-conscious, then the other is probably as well.

1. Do you go for the hug or the kiss?
The age-old dilemma of how to say goodbye to your date – do you go for the ass-out friendly hug, a cute peck on the cheek or go ultra-attacking and lean in for the kiss on the lips? Pay attention to the signals that the other is giving off because they will be thinking about the same problem as you are. Don’t over-analyse it. Find the middle ground on your first date and then take it from there next time around. Save yourself the embarrassment!

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10 habits of a professional procrastinator

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May 15, 2014

by Amber Saunders

The professional procrastinator has the ability to see an interest in every single thing around them…except what they should be doing. Have you experienced any of these?

1. Sleeping.

You have a few days extra at home before you have to make the trek back to college, and everyone knows that no bed is as comfortable as your bed at home.

2. Binge watching netflix series