Once the summer rolls around, most of us would step over our own mother to get our hands on tickets to our favourite music festival. (Sorry mam.)
But we'd draw the line at signing up to a weekend with a man who sounds like he's one Craigslist ad away from being on the FBI's Most Wanted List.
In a posting which was circulated widely before getting deleted, 56-year-old Gordon requested the company of a young woman for a weekend at Stateside festival, Coachella.
And while ostensibly the 'lucky' gal would be getting the ticket for nada, Gordon had, according to Some Life, a few stipulations which he would expect his guest to adhere to.
And this is where it gets very, very creepy.
We'll let Gordon take it from here…
"Ok here’s the deal. I have a VIP Pass for Weekend 2. I’m willing to give it away for free to the right person. I’m looking for a travel “companion” that can enjoy the festival with me and just have a good time," he wrote.
"I left my job as Supervising Manager at Soup Plantation and subsequently divorced my wife of 11 years. I cashed out my 401k and decided that moving forward, my life is all about having fun!"
And with that in mind, Gordon is all about finding the 'right one' to share in the 'fun'.
Here are just 20 guidelines Gordon would need you to stick to if you want to spend a week soaking up the sights and sounds of Coachella…with him.
1. Must be female between the ages of 19 and 25.
.
2. Must be comfortable traveling [sic] in a Recreational Vehicle (Vintage Shasta Chinook 3100 – pic attached.
3. Must have fashionable sense of style in the vein of typical Coachella goer (i.e. cute indian headband, small ripped jean shorts, lots of colorful bracelets, etc).
4. Preferably have a playlist of various Coachella artists on phone we can listen to on ride over.
5. Must keep hands and feet moisturized at all times.
And he doesn't stop there…
6. Must be open-minded and opportunistic.
7. Must be ok with periodic hand-holding (perhaps during certain sensual songs and while walking into the festival initially)
8. Fingernails and toenails must be nicely painted and harmonious with general color scheme of outfit.
9. I will provide snacks such as beef jerky and peanut butter sandwiches but if you have additional snacks and/or drinks…BIG BONUS!
10. Being social is fine but no excessive fraternizing with other male festival-goers, and male festival-goers, and most definitely NO PUBLIC AFFECTION with other festival-goers (violation of this rule results in immediate removal of Tropic Motor Motel room privileges and maybe even return ride).
Oh, there's more…
11. Periodic moments of extended eye contact.
12. Allow me to brush your hair once per day (not mandatory, but encouraged).
13. Must not be into drugs, pot ok.
14. Must take a minimum of four photos of us together and post them to your Instigram [sic] account.
15. Any personal grooming such as toenail clipping, eyebrow plucking or lipstick application must be done in my presence.
And the final (most terrifying) five…..
16. At least once during festival, you must allow me to carry you on my shoulders so you can see stage better (perfect time for instigram photo!)
17. At least twice during the festival you must tell me in a playful manner that 'I am naughty'.
18. At some point in time during the festival you must tell me that 'you didn’t know how this would go, but you’re actually having a really good time'
19. At least once during our stay after your shower, you must use the steam to write a cute message on the bathroom mirror for me to find later when I shower.
20. Must be ready to party and HAVE FUN!
Thanks Gordie, but we're going to have to pass.
