There’s no woman on earth like your own Mammy. She has the power to make you cry and fear a mere cooking instrument, also known as the dreaded, all-powerful wooden spoon.

Here is the definitive list of things your Mammy says:

1. “Don’t eat that, you’ll ruin your dinner. I’ve spent all fecking day cooking it.”

And she actually has.

2. “GET UP NOW.  You’re as fecking lazy. We’ll be at the back of mass at this rate.”

Mothers hate lie in’s. 9am may as well be 3pm to her.

3. “Sweep in the floor there love.”

A happy home has a clean floor.

4. “Your Granny is getting on my WICK.”

How ironic.

5. “I will in my arse bring you into town now, I’ve more to be doing. Ask your father.”

Asking Mammy dearest for a lift when she’s not in the mood is just plain stupid. You may as well be asking her for a kilo of cocaine.

6. “Stop with your cursing for fecks sake, what kind of yokes are you hanging around with in Dublin? They must be awful yokes. I’ve never heard that kind of language from you until you went up there.”

Any issue you have with your Mammy is automatically the fault of “that crowd you hang around with.”

7. “When did you last go to mass hah? EASTER? Saint Anthony himself couldn’t help you to find a good mass.”

Don’t even think about admitting to Mammy when you last went to mass. Mother of Divine Lord she’ll have a heart attack.

8. “Did ya hear about Bridie’s third cousin’s mother? You DO know her. Well anyway, she died there yesterday.”

If you don’t know the entire surrounding parish and their family tree then you’ve failed your mother.

9. “I started one of those computer courses, I’ll be better than you now on the computers.”

Thank God. Does this mean no more questions?

10. “You’ve a WHAT? Well where’s this boyfriend from? What do his parents do?”

No road frontage? He’s not comin’ round here.

11. “Stop it. STOP THAT FIGHTING OR YE’LL MAKE ME CRASH.”

While she dramatically shoves a hand round the back of her seat swatting anything she can reach.

12. “Jesus I fecking hate that lad. OH HELLO Paddy!”

Mammy is very two-faced, she’s so two-faced that she even has a fake laugh. She hates half the parish but acts like she’d happily marry the majority of them off to her children.

13. “I don’t want a present at all, don’t be wasting your money on me.”

Don’t listen to this, she doesn’t mean it!

14. “Have a great night now, don’t get too pissed.”

Just because your mother gets gee eyed after two glass of Sauvignon Blanc doesn’t mean she wants you to. Not in the local town anyway. God almighty, what’ll they think if they see you drunk.

15. “Where the feck do you think you’re going in that. Look at the length of that dress. What’ll they think?”

16. “Well. How was your night? Did you meet anyone nice? What’s wrong? ARE YOU HUNGOVER?”

Sitting at the kitchen table with your eyes hanging out of your head, you think your Mam would feel some pity and make you a fry. Nope.

17. “Do I have any news? I don’t think so no. Nobody died.”

Unless somebody died, then there’s no news. Mammy lives for the death notices.

18. “What would you give that dinner out of ten now, honestly?”

This is a TRICK QUESTION. Always say eleven. Always.

19. “GET OUT, OUT. I’m trying to watch Fair City. It’s a good one tonight, someone dies.”

Mammy’s soap moments are sacred.

20. “Turn that fecking noise down, I’m trying to concentrate on the driving.”

21. “Ah jaysus. Another fecking wedding and nothing to wear.”

Mammies hate weddings. Well actually, Mammy pretends to hate weddings what with having to recycle all of those two piece outfits from Clerys. But get some wine into her and she’ll be jigging to Galway Girl until three in the morning, the divil.

21. “Why couldn’t you have just done teaching. Jesus those teachers are great.”

All Mammy ever wanted was a primary school teacher for a child and instead she got you and your ‘media’. When the neighbours ask her what her young one is at, she says teaching anyway.

22. “Don’t forget to put sods on the fire. I mean it.”

Mother of God, don’t let the fire that Mammy worked so hard to light, die.

23. “Look at them there now with their big feck off car, pure notions.”

Having notions is for the lowest-of-the-low. Mammy doesn’t like that, so don’t even think about coming home with any notions or she’ll soon bate it out of you.

24. “I joined the Facebook, Mary. Jaysus it’s mighty so it is. I’ve seven friends on it now.”

We all live in fear of the day our mothers join Facebook. Soon she’ll be posting reminders to wash your hair on your wall and liking your check-in statuses. Mort0.

25. “I’m going to town, do you know now what you can do for me when I’m gone?”

Always go to town with Mammy. If you don’t, then she’s certain to leave you a to-do list that’ll take five hours to get through.

26. “Isn’t it well for ye now.”

This means she thinks you’re getting notions. Watch out.

27. “Oh this? I got it reduced in Dunnes. It’s grand isn’t it?”

This is the single reason that all Irish women respond to every compliment with “Penneys €5″. Mammy and her Dunnes. Damn you Mammy.

28. “I will not get off the phone you little brat, who do you think pays for it?”

Mothers spend at least 15% of their day gossiping on the phone to their sisters. FACT.

29. “Mary, Mary, MARY. Come here for a second. How do I go back to RTE One?”

She’d just gotten used to the old telly and then that Soar View came in and now she’s back to square one. Not even able to change the channel.

30. “A BOYFRIEND? Don’t get pregnant for Jesus sake.”

Mammy lies awake at night fearing that some day, one of her little lambs will come home pregnant. What would everyone say? To ensure this doesn’t happen she put’s the fear of God into them from an early age. Prevention is key.

via our content partner CT