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relationship problems

Last year, I went to a psychic and it pretty much put my life on hold for months, or at least, I did*

It all began in the summer of 2018, I was a little bit lost regarding a number of elements in my life and a family friend suggested that three of us go down and talk to a psychic. Two of my companions had already had readings with him, but it was my first time ever delving into this world and I thought it would be a bit of fun.

I am not really sure what I expected, but he allowed me to take notes which was a positive for me from the get-go. But I soon put the pencil down as he began telling me intimate details of my life and private conversations that even my mother doesn’t know.

It is fair to say I was fascinated and freaked. Questions I had been pondering for months were being answered without even being asked.

However, it was the details revealed by the psychic about my love life that made me hit the pause button on my life. At the time, I was seeing someone, it was in its infancy but as far as I was concerned, it was going very well. I was very confident back in the dating world as I had spent the guts of a year and a half single, getting to know myself after a four-year relationship had ended. 

The psychic told me that my current relationship would run into some trouble – and low and behold, a few weeks later – I was dumped. But I was told that this person would come back to me around Christmas time and it would be MY decision on whether or not to continue the relationship or kill it stone dead – and here’s where the trouble began, cue my not-so-inner control-freak being unleashed.

At the time of my new born singleness, it was late summer. Although I understood from the reading we’d hit a hard time, being dumped and the way in which it was done wasn’t something I had foreseen

He decided to take a job in another city about a two hour drive away, we had talked about it. He came to the conclusion that he didn't want to be in a long-distance relationship. The only problem is that he didn't inform me. He attempted to ghost me, refused to meet up and dump me to my face – note, this man was in his mid-thirties, he knew what he was doing was sh*tty. I was the one who had to ring and ask him what on earth was going on – and that's when he finally dumped me.

To add insult to injury, I found out a few weeks later that he didn't actually move for another month. So he had every opportunity to meet up with me and end it properly. I was so confused as he had treated me like a queen when we had been dating – and to end it like that, so negatively – I was shookth.

I was feeling VERY sorry for myself and frustrated at the entire situation. The idea that he was coming back made me cocky and act out in ways that I probably wouldn’t have, if I hadn’t have known. The end of us seeing each other was messy to say the least.

What came next then was a waiting game, I gave myself some time, attempted to date other people here and there to take my mind off it, as I had a similar experience with a guy I briefly dated before him, and it worked a charm. However, we had ended a lot differently.

In the back of my head, I foolishly believed that my ex would be on his merry way back and these dates were just something to kill the waiting time – BAD, yes I know, but secretly I never lost hope and the waiting really messed with my head.

The urgency to check my phone as the weeks and then months passed grew stronger and I could never really move on with anyone else because I had that past relationship still weighing on my mind.

As obsessive as that may sounds, in hindsight, I got caught up in the idea of this person coming back and the psychic being correct, rather than focusing on what I had learnt from the experience of being with this individual.

After a break up, I usually take time to knock back a tub of ice cream and come to my senses that we were either – a) terrible for one another, b) I had a lucky escape or c) what I had learnt from that time was very valuable and I wanted to bring forward to my future dating experiences. Then I pour any extra time I had given my dating life, back into me by replenishing and caring for myself.

None of that happened this time and closure never really came from the way we departed each other’s lives, the idea of us being totally wrong for each other was never really assessed. I was more curious about what could be and buried that logic entirely.

I was solely focused on what the psychic had told me about a potential future – which is a highly dangerous game to play. Instead of seeing this guy for who he was, I saw the fantasy version. The picture the psychic painted of our future was something I really didn't want to lose, even if this guy was completely wrong for me.

It really interfered with my life as I stopped doing things I loved, my self-worth diminished and I was miserable. And the worst part is – I didn’t and don’t have anyone else to blame but myself.

As you all know, it’s now January. Christmas has come and gone, and not to any surprise – I’ve heard nothing. However, I’ve learnt my lesson and the last couple of weeks have been great. The catalyst was a mutual friend sharing a group picture which he was in. He was happy.

I realised that this entire time I wasn’t living in reality, I was caught up in a fantasy world. He had firmly moved on and I was probably a distant memory. It was exactly what I needed to snap out of the spell I put myself under.

As for my experience with psychics, I have decided that my future is best left to reveal itself, it’s dangerous to be hopeful about the potential idea as it blinds you to reality, and I’ve learnt that I need to sit with myself a little bit more and be honest about what I want for the future and why I yearned so much for the life a stranger had created.

If you’re a believer in the future being laid out in front of you, never forget that we can always alter our course – and I for one, am calling time on my relationship with any more psychics.

I’m laughing and cringing now at my experience and behaviour, but at the time the pain of holding out and thinking I could control my situation was very real. My recommendation is not to try this at home kids.

*My experience was very much based on how I handled the information and not the reading itself.

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If dating wasn't already hard enough – there's now ANOTHER trend to contend with.

Get ready to add this bad boy to the list as it's pretty ripe amongst daters.

Sneating is the name of the latest dating faux pas, that you need to watch out for.

The term refers to a person going on a date with the sole intention of getting a free meal.

Getting fed for free is their only agenda, and you can be sure after that bill has been paid, you won't be seeing them again – EVER.

The old phrase of dine and dash has caught up with 21st century dating and it's pretty horrendous.

However, there are 'sneaters' that are perfectly unapologetic about their behaviour. 

A serial sneater opened up to the New York Times about the trend.

"I could get used to hanging out with strangers for a decent feed. I’m hardly the first person to think of this – it even has its own dating term, ‘sneating’, which means sneakily chatting someone up solely for the purposes of a free meal – but I’m committed," she told the publication.

She continued: "I started being more strategic about the guys that I matched with on Tinder. Guys who said they were old fashioned or knew how to treat a lady were in."

"They were the ones who were likely to pay on a first date. Guys who said they were modern or into equality were out – they were clearly Dutch daters all the way."

"I started lining up one or two dates a week. Whenever the bill came, I did that lame thing where I offer to pay half but then don’t argue when he says he’ll take care of it," she added.

Right – so that's another excuse for us to stay at home in our pjs and to avoid the whole dating world – thank you, sneaters. 

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Contrary to belief, domestic and dating abuse is common – and we all know someone who has experienced an abusive relationship in some form.

Whether or not you've been directly impacted by an ex or current partner who's behaviour is unacceptable – know you aren't alone and there is help out there.

Women's Aid has launched a new campaign to highlight their services and support available to any woman experiencing domestic violence and dating abuse.

The campaign comes as a new Domestic Violence Act provision, extending eligibility to young women in dating relationships, has still not commenced.

Image credit: Women's Aid

The woman's charity says it is continuing to support young women on its 24hr National Freephone Helpline and One to One Services who are being left unprotected and at risk because of these legal delays.

The awareness campaign #TooIntoYou aims to reach 18-25 years old women, to highlight the warning signs of abusive and controlling behaviour in their intimate relationships.

Women's aid want to get the nation talking about the difference between a healthy and unhealthy relationship.

In campaign, we meet eight characters, ‘Snooping Simon’, ‘Controlling Conor’, ‘Send Nudes Niall’, ‘Needy Neil’, ‘Dramatic Dan’, ’10 missed calls Ben’ and ‘Triple Text Thomas’ and ‘Why don’t you love me, Luke’.

Each of them reflects real situations we have all found ourselves in and it highlights the harmful ways that we could encounter dating abuse from our boyfriends or exes.

To get the conversation flowing about the issue of violence against women, a 70ft banner has been hung at Liberty Hall for three weeks, in the heart of Dublin. 

Image credit: Women's Aid

Margaret Martin, Director of Women’s Aid explained why there is such a crucial need for this campaign.

“Dating abuse is a significant issue for our frontline support services and research has shown that while young women can be at even higher risk of abuse in a relationship than their older counterparts, it can be difficult for young women to see what is happening to them as abuse," she said.

"However, 39 percent of young women (aged 18-29) in Ireland have experienced emotional abuse by a boyfriend or partner and in a national survey on domestic abuse in Ireland, almost 60 percent of those who had experienced severe abuse in intimate relationships first experienced it when they were under the age of 25."

"A stark reminder of this risk is that one in every two women, aged between 18-25, killed in Ireland since 1996 were murdered by their boyfriends or exes,” she added. 

One of the leading voices behind the #TooIntoYou campaign is entrepreneur Norah Casey. Norah sees the campaign as an important measure to prevent abuse and relates her own experience of domestic violence at the hands of her first husband in her 20s.

Norah says: “This campaign is a shout out to young women everywhere about some of those early signs that a relationship might not be good for them. Help us to spread the word far and wide, every woman should know the signs."

"Prevention is far better than the consequences, tragically sometimes fatal, for women who are trapped in abusive and violent relationships.”

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

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Sarah Breen and Emer McLysaght, authors of Oh My God What a Complete Aisling are backing the campaign and spoke about including the issue of dating and domestic abuse in their latest book:

“While researching The Importance of Being Aisling we were shocked to discover just how prevalent dating abuse is in Ireland. No one deserves to feel unsafe or threatened in their relationship and it’s absolutely vital that women can spot the red flags early on. We fully support Women’s Aid’s #TooIntoYou campaign and hope that it will help those affected find the support they need to become safe.”

If you are anxious or worried about your relationship, Ms Martin says you aren't alone in feeling something isn't right in your relationship, and highlights some of the signs that indicates you're facing potential abuse. 

“Women in dating relationships contact Women's Aid every day because they are afraid of their boyfriends. Your boyfriend does not have the right to control and abuse you. You should not have to worry about how he will react to what you do."

"You may feel like you are 'walking on eggshells' and living in fear of his moods and temper. Dating abuse is wrong and no one deserves to be threatened, beaten or be in fear for their lives. We want women to know that they can speak to someone in confidence on our 24hr National Freephone Helpline (1800 341 900) to help make sense of what’s going on in their relationship,” she added. 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

A post shared by Women's Aid (@womens.aid) on

If you're experiencing any type of abuse at the hands of your partner, there are people here to help and there is hope of getting out of the situation. 

The Women’s Aid 24 hour National Freephone Helpline 1800 341 900 is available seven days a week. 

You can find more information about the new campaign here.

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Phubbing is an generational phenomenon, which has exploded since the development of the smart phone.

Phubbing can impact your dating life pretty drastically, and involves paying more attention to your phone than the Tinder guy sitting across the table at Bunsen.

However, this dating faux pas can leak into established relationships, as partner phubbing, or pphubbing. 

How many times have you been chilling on the couch with bae only to realise you have been engrossed in Instagram for 20 minutes and completely missed all of his or her commentary on whatever you're watching?

Or have you ever noticed that you don't talk as much on car journeys, because that hilarious Snapchatter's story has you all too amused. 

While checking your phone on the regular isn't bad, it can cause tension within relationships, especially if your partner feels like your phone gets more attention than they do. 

'What we discovered was that when someone perceived that their partner pphubbed them, this created conflict and led to lower levels of reported relationship satisfaction,' professor James A. Roberts, Ph.D, told Elite Daily, after conducting a study on the phenomenon.

'These lower levels of relationship satisfaction, in turn, led to lower levels of life satisfaction and, ultimately, higher levels of depression.'

So that's definitely something to be wary of if your hand is itching to check your tweets during date night. 

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A man has been slammed by Facebook users after he revealed that he wanted to ask his girlfriend to lose weight.

The man, who chose to remain anonymous, made the admission on the popular Humans of New York Facebook page – a photography project featuring a number of portraits and interviews collected in the streets of NYC.

In the post, he explained how his girlfriend's weight had bothered him since the beginning of their one-and-a-half year relationship, though he had hoped he would be able to “get past it.”

He went on to explain how he loves everything else about her, and doesn't want to end the relationship over that “one little reason.”

“It’s been 1.5 years. And I feel horrible, but I just can’t get past it. And I feel like a bad person for being bothered by it. I can’t bring myself to tell her,” he said.

“We’re going to couple’s therapy next week, but I still don’t think I’ll be able to say it. Is there any right way to ask someone to lose weight for you?”

Comments immediately began to flood in, with many users expressing their outrage at the man's comments. 

 "If you're concerned about her health, approach it from that angle. If you're concerned about her appearance, you should probably just stay single," one user wrote. 

Another said: "No. You are the one with the problem, not her. Do her a favour and end it." 

Speaking to The New York Post, couples counsellor, Rachel Sussman, gave her thought gave the issue: 

“When you see your partner change significantly, it may change the way you feel about them,” she said. 

“He might find [that he’s] attracted to someone else, that he has intimacy issues, that he loses attraction to his partners after a certain period of time — or he might be super immature.”

Other users were quick to jump to his defence, with one even describing his dilemma as a "natural issue." 

"He’s asking for your advice, not your validation to hurt his girlfriend, which is obviously the last thing he wants to do. So stop attacking him for dealing with the way he feels in a really reasonable and self-reflective way."

Either way, I think we can all agree that Facebook probably isn't the best platform to seek advice for such a sensitive issue and an open and honest conversation bewtwen the pair is what's really needed.  

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Okay, we admit, not every relationship is built to last. Some couples will experience more issues and troubles than others. But no relationship is perfect – even the really strong ones – and sometimes the best solution to a problem is simply to stop worrying and look at the bigger picture

Some of these "problems" might seem like dealbreakers, but ask around and we bet you'll find they are pretty common…

1. You two don't have enough sex
Sex every day? Are you having a laugh?! Who has the time for that? Porn stars, that's who.

2. He never gets all lovey-dovey on Facebook
So what if you're not in his profile picture and he never comments on your page with a series of kisses and heart emojis? As long as you're feeling the love offline, all is well.

3. You argue all the time about tiny things
What to watch on Netflix, whose turn it is to do the dishes, the fact that you're always the one tasked with buying his mum a birthday present… all potential argument fodder. Every couple has arguments. We promise. The ones who say they don't are either lying or delusional.

4. You can't remember the last time you dressed up around him
Yes, your standard evening wear is more likely to be a pair of trackie bottoms and a giant jumper than a cocktail dress, but that just makes the times you do dress up even more special.

5. He has LITERALLY no interest in the TV shows you like
A mutual love of House of Cards does not a strong relationship make. Just because you two have different interests doesn't mean you're not suited – a great couple knows compromise is key.

6. "Date night" consists of a takeaway, the couch and a heavy dose of Netflix
You two don't need to go to some fancy-pants restaurant to appreciate your time together – get cosy on the couch and enjoy each other's company that way!

7. He STILL forgets your relatives' names though you've told him a million times
As long as he makes an effort with them, what's the problem?

8. You two don't spend every waking hour together
Strong couples know that being independent is just as important as spending time together, so don't fret if you've had separate plans after work a few nights in a row. 

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As much as we girls would like to blame the men in our lives for the issues in our relationships, we may have to consider the fact that we’re not always the most pleasant people on earth.
We bombard our boyfriends with tons of questions, despite the fact that we know we’re annoying them and let’s face it, a lot of the time it’s because we’re feeling a little insecure…or nosy. But they’re our boyfriends – isn’t answering our questions part of the job description?
Let’s explore the most annoying questions we attack our other halves with regularly.

1. Why are you being weird?

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There’s a 98% chance that your partner isn’t being weird at all. In fact, chances are he probably just isn’t giving you the attention you want at the moment; ergo, why is he being weird?

2. Are you mad at me?

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This may go hand-in-hand with #1, but this is our default question when our boyfriends aren’t talking to us or allowing 10-minute time gaps between text messages.

3. Can I have a jumper?

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Boyfriend’s clothing items are essential to any woman’s wardrobe. It’s actually best to not even ask this question because your boyfriend is well aware he will never see that piece of clothing again. Just steal it! Chances are he won’t even realize it’s missing; just be sure not to wear it around him.

4. Where are you?

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This question usually comes up whenever a girl’s boyfriend doesn’t respond to her texts or calls. She clearly assumes the worst, even though he is probably just napping.

5. Do I look fat?

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There is no right answer to this question, even if you think you are telling your girlfriend what she wants to hear. Chances are you don’t really sound believable because you’re baffled she’d even ask this of you. ‘You are hotter than ever’ should drop right off your tongue.

6. Did you ever hook up with her?

Deny, deny, deny.

7. Do you watch porn?

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Everyone watches porn (gasp, I said it!). For some reason, girls feel the need to question their boyfriends about this topic. Let’s be real for a moment: Do you really want him to answer this question honestly? That’s what I thought.

8. Where/what should we eat?

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This is the biggest debate that occurs in any relationship. It’s just a meal! The thing is girls usually know where we want to go, we’re just thinking out loud by asking you.

9. Why is your mom such a bitch?

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It may be true, but how would you feel if he said the same about your lovely mammy?

10. Do you want to be in a Facebook relationship?

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NO! It’s 2014, there is absolutely no need to display your relationship like that. It’s childish and immature. If you’re engaged or married, good for you, go ahead! But when you inevitably break up, it’s really awkward when your friends can ‘like’ and comment on the activity.

11. Why is she texting you?

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It’s my sister who text you, but still a threat is a threat and I’m just defending my relationship.

12. Do you think she’s pretty?

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Men, this is a test, and if you answer yes, then, well, you fail.

13. What’s wrong?

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Whatever is bothering your boyfriend probably has nothing to do with you. He’s probably just annoyed because Brian O’Driscoll is no longer playing…

14. Do your friends like me?

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Let’s face facts, they probably like you as a person, but they don’t like the fact that you take their friend away from them.

15. Why don’t you want to hang out with my friends?

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As much as you’d love to bring your boyfriend to girl’s night, that is the last thing he wants to do in his free time. You have your time; let him have his time.

26. Why do you have to watch sports every day?

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Why do you shave your legs? Because it’s a lifestyle, that’s why.

27. Why did you like her Instagram?

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“Umm, because she’s bungee jumping and how f*cking cool is that?” “Oh yeah, you’re right… but next time I won’t be so understanding”

28. Why don’t you ever listen to me?

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Are you talking about your friend’s drama? Yup, that’s why he isn’t listening to you. If the conversation doesn’t directly relate to him, well then, he’s probably tuning you out.

29. Can we stay in tonight?

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Isn’t the point of having a boyfriend to have someone to stay in on a Friday night with? My heel days are OVER..!

30. Are you really going to wear that?

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“You’re wearing a weird aviator jacket to meet my friends for the first time… Why? ”

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