When it comes to matters of health, there generally exist two distinct camps.
The first tend to ignore every sign, shake off every symptom and insist there's not a bother on them when their leg is blatantly detached from their body, while the second camp begin formatting their will at the mere hint of a sniffle.
And then there are, of course, the very, very few who fall between the two, but nobody writes articles about normal people.
If you know, deep-down, that the only true condition you suffer from is hypochondria, you will likely recognise the following examples as real-life truths.
So, without further ado….
1. Your internet history reads like a doctor's notepad.
From lists of symptoms you're currently 'experiencing' to names of illnesses you're interested in learning more about, your internet history is all the evidence you need that the term 'hypochondriac' is a fair description for you.
"I know they say the Black Death has been eradicated, but how do they know it won't come back?"
2. You have more medical supplies than beauty products.
Your handbag could double as a First Aid box, and your washbag contains more over-the-counter medicines than you could shake a stick at.
"Have you seen these lads? My uncle brought them back from the States."
3. You provide hourly updates on your progress (without being asked).
Despite the fact no one cares you have a slight cold, you insist on updating your nearest and dearest on the various stages of your supposed illness.
"Now it's moved a little bit more behind my eye, but it was under my eyebrow for the last five minutes."
4. You envision breaking 'bad' news to your friends and family.
When you allow yourself to slip into a spiral of epic proportions, you envision the moment you have to tell your friends and family that your days are numbered.
"I don't want to alarm you, but I read about a papercut that ended up killing someone."
5. You experience sympathy symptoms when in the presence of actual illness.
You've been known to feel twinges when visiting someone who has an actual sickness.
"And tell me, did your appendicitis start with a toothache? Because I have a toothache right now."
6. You don't appreciate your doctor's 'tone'.
Your doctor doesn't appreciate your constant visits and you don't appreciate his dismissive tone.
"I know everyone loves him, but he told me I didn't have the Black Lung that time that I knew I did."
7. You fear your doctor has missed something when examining you.
You live in permanent fear that something may escape your GP's attention, and you waste no time reminding him or her to keep sketch.
"Are you sure that stethoscope is working? It's not as cold as usual. Seems iffy to me."
8. You get particularly creative when describing your symptoms.
You could describe a dry cough in about 60 different ways.
"It was hacking, but now it's harsh and a little earlier it was more barky?"
9. You love nothing more than having a doctor tell you you're genuinely sick.
The sense of triumph you feel when a doctor confirms that you do, indeed, have a dose surprises even you sometimes.
"Yes Mam, he said it's the real thing. I have – wait for it – strep."
10. You lose sleep over illnesses that may be lying dormant inside you.
Random online articles haunt you, and urban legends about mysterious illnesses that manifest themselves when you least expect it both fascinate and repulse you in equal measure.
"I have that illness that only elephants get, I know it."
11. You regularly double check your family's medical history.
Even though you know your family's medical history inside out (countless doctors appointments have made sure of that) but even so, you can't help checking in on the regular.
"Did Granny ever complain of pain in her earlobes? Because I've got a slight twinge. And her ears used to be a funny colour."
12. You are capable of making yourself sick by worrying so hard about being sick.
You can be almost guaranteed that the times in which you find yourself truly sick follow the times you've tied yourself in knots about imagined symptoms.
"'Well, let's be real here; I've brought this on myself."
