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vaginal health

We live in a world where unrealistic body expectations are the norm. 

From plastic-pumped celebrities who mould our beauty ideals to shop front mannequins with legs so lithe they could snap, the female form is constantly under scrutiny. 

While usually these expectations have been confined to women's weight and body shape, the humble vagina is the latest body part with an altogether ridiculous beauty ideal being imposed upon it. 

And by humble, I, of course, mean the amazing, life-giving, efficient, temperamental, and wondrous vagina. 

A new product has been developed targeting owners of the aforementioned organs, and the 'intimacy capsules' aim is to prettify the vagina with – wait for it – glitter. 

While we love a bit of glitter to adorn our festival faces, shoving a capsule full of the sparkly stuff up our vaginas does not sound all that appealing. 

The capsules are designed to be inserted into the vagina, and your body apparently dissolves the capsule to create glittery emissions. 

As well as making discharge and sexual secretions sparkle, the capsules promise to change the natural 'flavour' of the vagina to make it taste like 'candy. '

 

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'The flavour is sweet like candy but not overly sweet, just enough to make your lover feel that your Yara (water-lady or little butterfly) is what all vaginas are supposed to look, feel and taste like; soft, sweet and magical!'

The fact that this company insists that vaginas are supposed to taste like candy and secrete glitter is completely ridiculous, and reinforces negative stereotypes about women.

The concept implies that the natural operations of a vagina are sub-par, and that women should stride to be precious, magical little creatures with sparkly vaginas.

Why should the vagina have to deal with the pressure of beauty ideals involving glittery discharge?

What will be expected next, a post-coital fireworks show straight from the cervix? 

The issue here is the potential for unrealistic expectations, and this product's promotion of what a vagina 'should' be, ie candy-flavoured and embellished with tiny iridescent flecks. 

And I get it, this product is a novelty boudoir item, but the implications are there. 

There is also a health and safety issue, as honestly, these Passion Dust capsules sound like a yeast infection waiting to happen. 

Oh, but if your body does respond badly to being stuffed with glitter, it's just one of the many 'joys of being a girl,' according to the company. 

'Scientifically, you have already inhaled or ingested more hazardous 'glitter' and chemicals than what is in our capsules,' reads the website (we'd love to see the 'science' behind these claims).

'You have not gotten sick from those chemicals in your body because the amount that you have ingested is so small that it would take an extremely significant amount to cause you any bodily harm which is why these glitters are deemed FDA approved.' 

'If you've ever had vaginal issues you had them before you used Passion Dust anyway.'

'If you've ever had a yeast infection I'm sure it wasn't caused by glitter, it just happens sometimes (Oh, the joys of being a girl!)," they add.

They also recommend that your 'special time of the month' should be given the glitter treatment too, so you can 'at least make it a pretty mess' while expelling your uterine walls. 

I'll take my au natural clitoris over a glitoris any day, thanks. 

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A cancer specialist at the University of Leicester has spoken out against a 'treatment' which involves the insertion of a cannula containing ozone gas into the vagina.

The procedure, which has been endorsed by alternative medicine business, Medical Wellness Associates in the United States, is said to benefit pelvic and labia pain while also aiding yeast, bacterial and viral infection.

According to the MWA, ozone gas is pumped into the vagina and purports to have anti-bacterial, anti-viral and anti-fungal effects on unhealthy cells.

However, not everyone is convinced by the treatment, with Professor Martin Dyer questioning the validity of the claims that the gas can treat various vaginal infections, and potentially cure cancer.

"Ozone is one of the most powerful oxidising agents known to man, and people have been looking to exploit this very powerful antioxidant action right since its discovery. But it's never amounted to anything," he said.

"As with all charlatanism, it gives the claim that it cures everything," he added.

According to The Independent, the FDA have echoed Professor Dyer's stance on the matter, asserting that ozone is a “toxic gas with no known useful medical application.”

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We've all experienced that unfortunate moment where a personal hygiene product has irritated our skin or gotten in our eyes, leading us to belive we will be left with a perpetual ailment in a moment of showering melodrama.

One girl had a similar experience when using a particular brand of Mint and Tea Tree shower gel, and took to Facebook to share her story after the tingly gel set her 'vagina ablaze.'  

The hilarious but unfortunate story has been shared more than 138,000 times on the social media site, with the comments section playing host to some very comical and similar incidents. 

'I took the Mint and Tea Tree Shower Gel and began to work it into a lather. I applied it to first one leg, then the other, and shaved them diligently. (Yes, feel free to be impressed at my commitment to body defoliation at 6.45am on a Wednesday morning. I was too.) So far, so good,' she began the post. 

'I washed my arms and shaved underneath them. I washed my neck, breasts, stomach and back. Thus far, it had been a positively first class bathing experience.'

'And then. AND THEN. Oh. Dear. God. MY VAGINA WAS ABLAZE.'

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'For a moment, I wasn’t entirely sure what had happened. Had I repeated the never to be forgotten error when I managed to apply hair removal cream which was strictly not for front bottoms to my front bottom? Had a stray spark inadvertently set light to my pubic thatch?'

'BECAUSE IT F****** FELT LIKE IT.'

'Yes, your innocuous looking green bottle of so called shower gel, it turns out, is an absolute f****** liability. MY FLAPS WERE ON F****** FIRE. I had a quick look at the ingredients list to see if it contained gasoline. It did not.'

'There was a warning though. ‘KEEP AWAY FROM EYES.’ Keep away from eyes? KEEP AWAY FROM EYES? Frankly, my eyes were the least of my problems right now.'

'I frantically scrubbed my flaps, which by now felt as though they were being ceremoniously scrubbed by ants wearing ice skates laced with chilli sauce,' she continued (we're obsessed with this woman's turn of phrase).

'Some twelve hours later, my front bottom has finally calmed down, though may well be suffering from as yet unconfirmed PTSD. My eyes have eventually stopped watering.'

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'May I suggest a rebranding of the front of your bottles of Mint and Tea Tree Shower Gel? Something along the lines of the following: 7,927 tingling leaves which will accost your genitalia until it screams for mercy.’

'If nothing else, it will certainly stand out on the shelf.'

'Anyway, thanks for brightening up my morning. And my front bottom, which has never been so lively.'

We're crying, bit with laughter and with the thought of the sensation. 

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