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house hunt

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There is nothing more irritating than looking for somewhere to live. Here is the emotional cycle of trying to find a place to rest your weary head: 

1. Optimism

There are thousands of houses, hundreds of thousands, you reason with yourself. It’ll be a mere doddle, a walk in the park, a breeze. You’ll have your pick of the best there is to offer. In fact, as far as you can see, the only problem will be too much choice. First world problems, if you will.

2. False Hope

So you’ve done a little research and you’ve sadly discovered that all is not as it first seemed. To say it’s grim out there would be an understatement, but never fear, this is only the tip of the iceberg. There’s something out there for you, in fact there’s probably a few things out there for you. You’ve got this all under control.

3. Shock

The full blown madness of rent prices, combined with the quality of the properties out there has finally hit you smack bang between the eyes. This is shocking, quite frankly. Nobody prepared you for this travesty. A cunning ploy then springs to mind. Maybe if nobody else is prepared to pay these ridiculous prices, then the rent charges will drop dramatically? Doesn’t really seem to be the feeling of the huge queue of people waiting to view that crummy bedsit though, does it?

4. Panic

After a week or two of being a tad too laid back about the whole thing, you’ve quickly come to realise that it’s time to take things up a notch or five. What happens if you don’t? Well, you calmly understand that you’ll have to end up pitching a tent somewhere on the side of the M50, that’s what. Cue six hours a day spent trawling rent websites and ringing false numbers in a desperate bid to speak to whatever cowboy is charging seventeen times the appropriate amount required to inhabit a box room.

5. Desperation

That Friends style apartment overlooking the canal with the hot neighbours and nine bars next door is probably not within your reach, you can accept that now. Acceptance is key. You can now move onto smaller and lesser things. At this stage you plan on taking anything that comes your way. However small, damp and inconveniently located that it may be.

6. Denial

Yes, you’re aware that your lease is up/ college starts/ work begins in just a matter of days, but all is not lost. There are at least three new properties appearing online every single day and the fact that there are thousands of people viewing them, does nothing to deter you. You flinch every time someone mentions the words ‘commute’. This will not happen. You keep on telling yourself that.

7. Hatred

You have now begun to hate the property market, landlords, leasing agencies, yourself, your housemates to be, your parents, more landlords, money and life itself. You are filled with so much hatred that it is bursting to escape from your poisonous self. At this stage you are beginning to consider hibernating in hedgehog style, under a garden shed. It’s beginning to look like the only feasible option.

8. Hopelessness

You’ll never find anything. This is it. You’re screwed. It’s hopeless. You keep on trying to resign yourself to the fact that living with the parents won’t be all that bad, but really, whenever you actually try and imagine it, you come close to tears. Meanwhile, numerous thoughtless, selfish idiots insist on putting up ‘feeling relieved’ statuses about their amazing house success and it’s doing nothing to help keep your rage under control. NOTHING.

9. Relief/ Ecstasy

Just when you thought it was all over, that phone call comes through. You’re being offered that mouldy, out of the way, cramped, dusty kip and you could NOT be any more excited about it. Who needs food, alcohol or heat when you’ve got a bed and four walls anyway? House warming!

via our content partner CT

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I very recently found myself thrust into the world of online dating – but not in the way you would think.

My roommate of three years is heading to pastures new, which means I have to find a brand new person to share my living space with.

My current situation is strikingly similar to my dating life – wading through a sea of disappointing potentials. Only this is worse, because it shouldn’t be this hard to find someone who’s right for me and my apartment. I just want someone who won’t leave the immersion on or kill me in my sleep; it’s not like I’m searching for a kidney donor!

Here’s a firsthand account of why roommate hunts are similar to (and worse than) dating.

The break-up
It’s not your fault she’s leaving (you only started two of those fires…), but even still, losing a long-time roomie makes you feel vulnerable and naked. And it shouldn’t. Because you weren’t a couple.

But still you worry that you won’t find anyone quite as awesome. “What if no one else gets me like she did? What if I can’t find someone who shares my apartment-hopes and dreams? What if they steal my ice-cream? What if they don’t even like ice-cream?!”

Swearing off roommates
After coming to terms with this scary new situation, it’s time to figure out your next move. You don’t know if you can live through this heartbreak again – maybe you should be a single renter? But then you realise you’ll have no one to get you soup when you’re sick. Also you’re not a millionaire. And you have a fear of dying alone. And of ghosts.

Finding someone new
You look through your social group for potential partners but realise that (a) there are very few people looking to move out, and (b) you’d kill the ones that are after two days. So it’s time to venture online – sure everybody’s doing it these days, which means there’s only a 1-in-229 chance you’ll be paired up with a psychopath.

Creating your profile
Forehead furrowed in stressed concentration, you begin to create your online profile. Pictures need to show your apartment’s best features, taken from just the right angle and of course, in the right light. Then there’s the description – a lot of mileage but looks great! – and most awkward of all, what you’re looking for in a potential roommate.  How do I make “Stays in their room a lot, but not in a creepy way, facilitates my eccentricities and does everything I want” not sound like you’re terrifying?

The suitors
The emails begin flooding in and your confidence soars – “I loved your pictures! Looks amazing!” People try even harder to sell themselves than you did, attempting to hit all the right notes (“I’m super laidback…but I’m not lazy, I’m really clean and tidy!” “I like quiet evenings, watching TV and knitting….oh, but I’m not boring, I also like socialising!”)

Whittling
Then you realise that many of the young professionals you requested are actually 19-year-old college students and you fret that they’ll play their music too loud and cover the couch in beer and Koka Noodles. The creepy guys are binned, as are the inevitable trolls and the people who sound like they’ll watch you sleep.

The meet-up
Eventually you’ll find a few potentials (based on their Barry’s/Lyons preference) and a viewing is organised. You both fidget nervously as you scrutinise each other more than you would a first date. Only this is worse – in dating, if you think a terrible match is great after the first meet-up, the worst that happens is a few bad dinners. If you make the wrong decision when choosing a roommate that’s a potential year of ‘accidentally’ dropping each others’ toothbrushes into the toilet.

The perfect match
If you’re very lucky, you’ll find a new BFF to drink wine and watch KUWTK with. If not, well, how badly did you really want to keep your deposit…?

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