Let's imagine for a moment that the annual occasions which help to punctuate our year were comparable to the various elements that help comprise your standard Catholic mass.
Christmas is – no prizes for guesses – the moment the priest tells you to go in peace to love and serve the Lord.
"We did it, lads. We made it. And now there's a roast at home!"
Halloween is the slow walk back to the pew after Communion – you haven't quite made it to Christmas, but you're almost there.
"Not long to go now, gang. Hold tight."
And Valentine's Day is the moment you're forced to shake hands with everyone around you.
"Jesus, are we still doing this? Sorry… sorry… and also with you."
You understand the sentiment behind it, you know you should probably embrace it, but Jesus Christ, it's awkward, it's unnecessary and it's something you tend to forget about until the bloke next to you shoves a meaty palm in your direction.
There's a common misperception that men are the ones who dismiss Valentine's Day as a moneymaking scam while us women dreamily trail our hands along shelves which are heaving under the weight of doe-eyes teddy bears, just hoping our other half will see fit to present us with one in February.
For Jaysus sake.
There are very few women I know who wouldn't, when presented with a soft toy clutching a satin loveheart, not immediately think "And where am I supposed to put the shaggin' thing?"
Common folklore would also have us believe that the single, ready-to-mingle Pringles among us actively loathe couples on Valentine's Day, but they're not the only ones.
The truth is, couples loathe couples on Valentine's Day.
Couples loathe everything on Valentine's Day, in fact.
The loathe the pressure, they loathe choosing cards, they loathe their attempts at sentimental prose, they loathe the fact they can't get a table at their favourite restaurant, and they really loathe being told that they're lucky they're in a relationship on February 14.
Because, really, what difference does it make? Single or taken, you still end up envying the couples who seem to do it… well… right.
Just picture it — while you're hissing at your other half across the table of your fourth favourite restaurant (pre-covid), your peripheral vision is drawn to a couple behaving exactly how they should be – in love.
While you're muttering that your other half doesn't have the decency to help you into your coat, you notice some bloke practically carrying his girlfriend's handbag.
And while you question your inability to eat without getting it all over yourself, you spot two gobshites practically feeding each other across the table.
Valentine's Day is little more than 24 hours which abruptly throws your relationship into the spotlight, and forces you to acknowledge its various shortcomings while you agonise over everyone else's strengths.
And if you're one of those couples that doesn't hate Valentine's Day, rest assured everyone hates you.
And it's mostly because we're jealous.