Yes, yes and yes! 10 things that happen at EVERY smear test appointment

1. We’ll be nervous

Yep, cosmopolitan and all as we like to think we are, we’ll in fact be nervously sitting in the waiting room reading Now magazine, and thinking more about the fact that very soon a stranger will be looking up our vajayjay than the story about ‘Lonely Jordan’s Late Night Sex Calls To Strangers’. But hey, we far prefer that to getting the big C – and with cervical cancer totes preventable, we won’t be missing that 10-minute appointment for the world.

2. We’ll forget when our last period was

“Why can’t I get my life together?” we’ll scold ourselves, when during our cervical check the nurse asks when Aunt Flo last came by for a visit. And because we don’t want to say we forget, we’ll vaguely say, “Ahm… two weeks ago?” and hope for the best.

3. We’ll think about the weirdest things

Call it a defence mechanism, but to counteract the fact there’s someone prodding into our hoo-has, we’ll find ourselves thinking about ridiculous things like ‘I wonder what Craig David’s up to these days?’ and ‘will I make a shepherd’s pie tonight with sweet potato instead of normal spuds?’

4. When the doctor says “Relax” we’ll decide to tense up

Although cervical smears aren’t sore, merely uncomfortable, and we know they’re really not a big deal, sometimes we can’t help tense up the muscles down there. Which doesn’t help when the doctor or nurse is trying to get the speculum yoke in there. Cue deep breathing, lots and lots of deep breathing, followed by firmly telling ourselves that for the sake of a few minutes of discomfort every three years, we’re kicking cervical cancer’s arse. Hiiii-yah!

5. Our bums will be cold

Okay, fair enough, paper tissue sheets are a lot easier to throw out and are probably more cost efficient, but for the love and honour of God a nice fleecy blanket to perch our bums on wouldn’t go astray now would it? But hey, our smear test is only every three years so we can bear it, right?

6. We’ll joke awkwardly

Awkwardly answering, “You did very well, good woman” with “I bet you say that to all the girls” will seem like a good idea at the time. It wasn’t.

7. We’ll worry that we’ll fart

A lot of our lives are spent worrying we’ll fart – school, college, work meetings – so why would our smear be any different?

8. We’ll wonder why the lights have to be so damn bright

How about a little flattering mood lighting? Some strategically places candles perhaps?

9. We’ll defiantly say how many sexual partners we’ve had

Although inside we’ll be mortified. We’re adults, and we’re not ashamed of our sex lives (why should we be?) and yet shaking off the feeling that the doctor thinks we’re a bit of a ‘hoor’ (they don’t) is harder than we would like.

10. A song will get stuck in our head

Another defence mechanism – while the doctor or nurse is checking what’s going on downstairs, we’ll be singing Sam Sparro’s “Black and Gold” over and over in our heads.

But look, saying all that, we’re proud to be looking after our reproductive and cervical health dammit! We’re strong, independent women, and having a healthy vagina is part of that.

And luckily, booking our cervical smear is as easy as pie (ooh, pie) – all we have to do is make an appointment with any doctor or nurse registered with the Cervical Check programme. As cervical cells can take years to turn cancerous, having regular smears to detect any abnormalities will help nip it in the bud before that happens.

Oh, and if you’re over 25, it’s free!