The following people shouldn't be let anywhere near a cinema. If you recognise yourself in this list, then hang your head in shame, girl.
Let us begin.
We’ve all been there. Settled back in our seat, pick-n-mix in our laps, blinding light from hell in both our eyes.
Congratulations, you’ve been seated behind The Texter; the person who leaves all their digital communication for the two hour window they’ve scheduled to check out the latest blockbuster. Bravo, the world applauds you.
A small kick aimed at your lower back gives you a jolt. "Accidental, has to be", you think. Then another. And another. You turn around to register your irritation, but they stare straight ahead. Did you imagine it?
No. That’s what they WANT you to think. Congrats, you’ve been seated in front of The Kicker. What the HELL is wrong with people?
Ah cinema- no chats, no inner dialogue, no worries. No chance. “Ooooh, I’m definitely going to see that…There’s your man. What’s his name? Oh, whashisname? What’s this we’re seeing again? Will it ever start? We’ve been here twenty minutes.”
Congratulations, you’ve been seated beside The Talker. Move. Move now, before it’s too late.
They’re gone. You’ve finished them. They're no more. DEAL WITH IT! No, no, don’t start ripping the bag apart to make sure. Oh, Lawd.
Holla, you’ve been seated in the vicinity of The Rustler: the person who can’t BELIEVE their bag of Doritos finally came to an end. Didn’t they pay for one of those new-fangled never-ending bags? No, no you didn’t, now give it up!
You have tasted every morsel alongside this enthusiastic eater. Every sour worm, every nacho, every kernel of popcorn. Now they’re done, you can finally relax, right? Wrong. Time for the family-sized bag of Malteasers. Crunch, crunch, crunch.
Praise Jesus, you’re the gal who got seated right by The Chomper. It’s not going to get any better. Just go home. The movie only got three stars, anyway.
Listen and listen good, girls. These people are sent to test us, but will they win?
Yes, they will. Stick with Netflix. Less lunatics.