Ouch: 5 signs your shoes will be the slow, painful death of you

Buying a pair of bad shoes is like sitting down to a slasher movie: it’s all fun and games until the blood starts to spill.

We love pretty shoes – which is why we can’t understand why the most beautiful ones want to hurt us so damn much. It’s like a reverse Cinderella situation: instead of a ‘fits like a glove’ glass slipper, our feet feel like they’re encased in cement blocks.

And most of the time, we know exactly what we’re getting ourselves into. So, we resort to ‘softening’ sandal straps with Vaseline (really, has that ever worked for anyone?) and trying to stretch our court heels by parading around at home wearing them with the thickest fluffy socks we can find.

But even that can’t prevent the torture that the first wear is about to bring; the horror that takes the form of the following stages:

1. The sweaty stage

Feet are pretty nasty, as is sweat; so mix the two together and you know things are only going to get worse from there. This is the first stage at which you start to wonder if it was really a good idea to go out in a pair of too tight/ too high/ uncomfortable shoes that probably still need the fluffy sock treatment.

2. The ball burn

It’s amazing how you rarely even notice the balls of your feet – until they are on fire with the blazing heat of seven hells. Your man may well laugh at you, but we wouldn’t wish that searing pain on our worst enemy.

3. The hot chafe

Okay, now things are getting really uncomfortable, with that hot chafe starting to tear at the delicate skin just inside your ankle. At first it was just tingly, and you tried to ignore it; but once the skin starts to turn red and fall off, accompanied by bright red blood (yep, we went there), you know it’s time to break out the antiseptic cream!

4. The strangulation of Baby

Patrick Swayze once told us that nobody puts Baby in the corner. Newsflash: your shoes don’t give a damn. Now is when those gladiator sandals will really start to wage war on your failing feet, squeezing the bejaysus out of your baby toe until you really have no other choice but to leave the dancefloor and grudgingly pull up a stool.

5. Total incapacitation

Remember that episode of Friends with Monica’s boots? You know, the one where Chandler eventually has to give her a piggy-back home because her feet are in so much pain? That’s where we’re at: total incapacitation. You’re destroyed, and you swear – as you pull the demons off and wallow in the ecstasy of bare feet – that you will never wear them again. Then Saturday night comes around….

Will we ever learn?