Not having your mam here on Mother’s Day reinforces the loss

Mother’s Day isn’t an easy day for everyone and that’s so important to remember. It may be a day of love and joy, but for others it is a day of grief and heartache.

It can be beyond bearable for some people, especially for those marking their first Mother’s Day without their mum, so we reached out to Lucy Beresford from the UK Council for Psychotherapy about what we can do to help ease the heartache and despair.

Lucy shared: “Whatever your age, not having your mother alive when Mother’s Day comes around can be very painful, reinforcing the loss. But even as an adult, it can make you feel like a helpless child, knowing your Mother isn’t there to comfort you. This can in turn make us feel angry and let down, all the while suspecting that the world expects us to behave maturely.”

“Do find someone to talk to – a therapist or a great friend, someone who can listen without judgement. You can also mother yourself – treat yourself and nourish yourself to honour all the ways your mother looked after you.”

Another thing you can do is pen a list of things you adored about your mammy, “Write a gratitude list for all the reasons why you loved your mother, what made her such a special person.”

It is important to remember that you can still celebrate this day if you feel up for it. “You can still find a nice way to celebrate without your mum. Create a ritual that feels appropriate for the woman she was. If nature was her passion, or yoga, do something every year that celebrates her in a way that feels typical of the woman you knew.”

One thing that is bound to be difficult for many is the fact that we physically cannot visit our mum's graves. Millions of people are currently self-isolating, which means they’re house bound. However, you can still honour your mother’s memory.

“If you are locked down/isolating due to illness and can’t visit mum's grave you can create your own ‘shrine’ in your home. Many homes in Asia have a family shrine, but it’s more unusual here in the West. Create a space and decorate it with things that are meaningful for your and your relationship with your Mother and plan a ritual around the shrine. You could make this a weekly visit, which allows you to keep your Mother alive in your heart,” Lucy said.

No matter what, your mam will always be with you. She will forever hold a special place in your heart and your mind will always be full of the memories you shared together.

Lucy Bereford is a UK Council for Psychotherapy accredited Psychotherapist and relationship expert. To find out more about how psychotherapy can help you or to find a therapist please visit https://www.psychotherapy.org.uk/find-a-therapist/

You can follow Lucy on Twitter: @lucyberesford