What. An. Episode. We may have had a bit of a whinge that things weren’t progressing as quickly as we would have liked – but great Odin’s beard this episode more than delivered.
And that battle scene! We found ourselves ripping the foam out of the armchair watching it. Yeah, it’s coming out of our deposit but do we care? Not a bit, because Ramsey has finally got his comeuppance, the little shite.
1. *Watching the credits* Right grand, yer man that plays Ramsey’s in this episode, so is Jon Snow. And it’s called Battle of the Bastards. Someone’s getting offed. And it bloody better be Ramso.
2. Christ Liam Cunningham has wise eyes. He’s like an Irish owl. Would we? Probably.
3. Here we are the pre-battle parley, and all we can think is that Jon Snow’s man bun is making us weak the knees. Good thing we’re already sitting down.
4. Ramsey Bolton makes Voldemort look like Mary Poppins. Look at him there on his (high) horse, the smug git. Unruffled, we’d call him. Very unruffled.
5. “You’re going to die tomorrow. Sleep well.” Good woman Sansa hun, you tell the prat.
6. Ah there’s yer wan again. The saucy little one who gave 66 of her best soldiers. What a hero!
7. Seriously, how does he get the man bun looking so good? Mousse? Wax? Texturising sea salt spray?
8. Jon do us a favour and stop looking into our souls with those brown eyes, thanks.
9. All the odds are stacked against them. Hate to say it, but Ramsey’s right, they haven’t enough men to beat him.
10. Liam probably could have got the lads from GAA clubs all over the country to fight for him. Just sayin’. (Yes, we’re getting desperate.)
11. Yeah Jon, Sansa does know Ramsey better than you. Just because you’re a lad (with lovely hair and previous battle experience on the CV) doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give the girl a chance to help.
12. Right, the battle. Here were are. Oh JESUS we can’t take the stress of it. We’ll be mainlining the Rescue Remedy before long.
13. Is that Rickon with Ramsey? God he looks about 20 – the height of him. Teenagers and their growth spurts never cease to amaze us.
14. Right, what’s everyone’s favourite sociopath up to now? He’s letting Rickon go? No, there must be more to it. His eyes are lit with that mania that means he’s about to screw someone over.
15. How the fluich did we ever fancy Ramsey in Misfits.
16. RUN RICKON RUN.
17. Zig-zag you eejit!
18. Ah come on ZIG-ZAG!
19. Why isn’t that poor fool zig-zagging?
20. Right, he deserves to get hit if not even going to try to zig-zag.
21. We give up.
22. Don’t do it J. You’re falling into his trap.
23. Seriously Jon, you’re letting your emotions get the better of you. It’ll be your downfall.
24. LOOK AT HIM GO!
25. Look at the leather pleats swirling majestically around him as he slices down the opposition.
26. Googles ‘ASOS leather pleated skirts’.
27. GET HIM JON GET HIM. GET THEM ALL.
28. Look at that Ramsey yoke, still happy as Larry safely behind the lines. What a weasel.
29. Seriously, Jon is a legend. Props to you Lord of Light for giving him another go around the roundabout. Sound of you.
30. Ah there’s no way they can win this. No way. Sure Bolton’s lads are basically taking them all out with arrows. They’re not even being touched like.
31. The nervous systems are officially shot.
32. We swear if reinforcements don’t arrive at the last minute à la Lord of the Rings we’re NEVER watching this show again.
33. Okay, great, now they’re all surrounded by lads with better weapons who are slowly crushing them to death. The baddies are going to win. Cheers Game of Thrones. Stupid programme. *sulks*
34. Oh look, now our hero Jon Snow, who was brought back to life For A Bigger Purpose is going to go out getting smothered to death. Charming.
35. Ah no wait, after all that they couldn’t kill him off in such a crappy undignified way. Could they?
36. Then again it is Game of Thrones. They like killing goodies.
37. Nah, he’s gone. He’d need a heavy duty crane to get out of this pile-up. Grand, see you Jon. We’re shutting down our emotions now because our hearts can’t take it.
38. Wait. Is he… emerging?
39. He is! He’s rising! Like a phoenix he’s emerging from the flames! *Switches back on emotions*.
40. And the Lord of the Rings-style reinforcements have arrived. Could it be? Something… good is going to happen in Game of Thrones? HURRAH!
41. Jon’s up, pleated leather a-flying! And he’s tearing after Ramsey! Get him Jon. Get him good.
42. Oh Ramsey pet, ever heard the phrase ‘Your chickens are coming home to roost’? Well look behind you, because there are chickens aplenty love, many, many chickens. Roosting.
43. Oh God imagine if Ramsey survived? Letter of complaint getting sent straight to David Benioff and D.B Weiss: “Dear Sirs, you’re crap”.
44. Oof wait, there’s no need. Oof. OW! Ouchie. OOOOOOOOOF. While we appreciate your exertions Jon, please don’t finish him off so easily! Make him suffer.
45. Jesus, Game of Thrones really has turned previously peaceful souls like ourselves into sadists.
46. What’s Sansa up to?
47. Ah here, his face is mushy, he’s tied up in a chair and he’s been defeated. Yet he’s still smug.
48. She’s not, is she? No, she isn’t, that’s not like her. Wait now, she is. She definitely is. Should have got a bit of the Pedigree Chum, Ramsington – or even a few Bonios.
49. That SMIRK. Good girl yourself Sansa! (See, sadists.)
50. Time for a lie down with a cold compress.