What you may and may not do on a sober taxi journey

As we all know, a sober taxi journey and a drunk taxi journey are worlds apart.

When we’re well into our second bottle of wine, we think the taxi is our own personal playpen. Hell, sometimes it’s the most fun part of the night.

When we’re sober and channelling our inner grown-up, we think the taxi is that day's adult challenge. Hell, it’s the least fun part of the week.

If you still struggle with correct taxi etiquette, then have a quick glance through our handy guide and you’ll be the perfect passenger in no time.

You may give precise, polite directions at any stage in your journey.

You may not ask if your taxi driver knows where you live because you sure as hell don’t.

You may keep your hands firmly clasped in your lap while you make polite chit-chat.

You may not rub your taxi driver’s head for luck while giggling hysterically.

You may say thanks without knowing your taxi driver’s name.

You may not call him Mr. Taxi Man and laugh like a cray-cray loon.

You may politely comment on the tedious radio talk show he has playing on Snooze Fm.

You may not change the radio station and roar ‘Tune!’ at every song before it even comes on.

You may seek your driver’s approval by tutting at drunk people you pass on your journey.

You may not roar out the window asking where these drunk people got their garlic cheese chips.

You may pay your driver upon stopping and offer a reasonable tip, if you wish.

You may not offer to pay your driver with your Tesco Clubcard and then offer a handful of coppers and one button as a tip.

You may sit quietly in your seat and make pleasant conversation with other passengers, if necessary.

You may not try to get into the back seat because you saw your friend playing crouching tiger, hidden naggin.

You may keep your shoes on at all times, no matter what.

You may not pull off your stilettos, rest your manky feet on the dashboard and make puppy-dog faces at the driver about all your owie’s.

You may ask your driver if he’s been busy because this is what grown-ups do.

You may not hug your driver and ask if he wants a nightcap in yours because you stole whisky from the pub.

You may gather all your belongings and swiftly exit the taxi, being sure to close the door with reasonable force.

You may not accuse your driver of stealing your lipgloss…your phone…and your scarf, and then slam the door after twenty minutes of ridiculous threats.

Stick to these guidelines girls, and you’ll be hailing, chatting and tipping like a pro in no time.

Taxi!