The stuff you hide at the beginning of relationships

Bodily functions
We hope, to a certain extent, that some of these functions remain hidden, no matter how comfortable you are in your relationship. But at the start we didn’t so much as hiccup in case it morphed into a snot-sneeze, or worse, a mini-puke. Our bodies fail us all the time. We weren’t taking any chances.

Certain garments
The man HAS to know you’re wearing nude coloured nylon socks with those pumps from Pennies. He’s been looking at them curiously all day, wondering if your skin has a natural glisten or if you ARE actually wearing the same stockings his Nana wore. Either way, he doesn’t CARE. But YOU do. That’s why you’re trying to pull them out from under your skinny jeans without him noticing so you don’t end up in sexy underwear …and wrinkled nylons. Shudder.

Mortifying incidents
You tell your friends, on pain of death, that they better not mention the time you got in a scrap in the local chipper for the last chicken ball, or how you secretly refer to yourself as Princess when you’re feeling down. If that stuff gets out, that’s it. Game over.

Beauty regimes
It’s a bizarre double bluff, this one. You meet him with an immaculately made-up face, gleaming hair and fresh breath and yet, you both insist on acting like this happens by magic. He pretends not to hear you rolling out of bed at 6am, crawling across the floor on your elbows commando-style, before reappearing from the bathroom looking like you’re ready for a night out…in your pyjamas. And YOU pretend that you don’t know that HE knows what you’re up to. What?

The jig is up….
And then girls the time comes; you either break wind so loudly in your sleep it wakes the whole house or you share the most disgusting of kisses to see who can deal with the other’s morning breath the longest. NOW, it’s true romance.