Ten emotions we experience while watching sex scenes with parents

The sex scene; sometimes you can sense them coming a mile off and other times, it’s like being hit over the head with a mallet. And not just any old sex scene either. Oh no, a moaning, groaning, PANTING sex scene that you find yourself watching WITH YOUR PARENTS. Go on without us, life. You win this one.

Here are the ten emotions we experience in situations like this. Sound familiar?

The characters have moved things onto the couch and you can cut the tension with a knife; in both their living room, and yours.

You do a quick scan of the room to see where the remote is. It’s resting by your dad’s elbow. He can never work it properly. This all comes down to you.

Unadulterated horror
Oh, your man on the telly is going for it. Oh my god, a boob. My dad just saw a boob. This must be his first time seeing a boob. This can’t go on.

You mum sits there with a rigid smile and a determined ‘I’m a modern woman who won’t be made leave her own living room’ look plastered across her face, but you see her eyes flicker briefly towards the remote as well.

Your father rustles the newspaper, mumbles something about ‘filth’ and asks you where the remote is. BESIDE YOU, DAD! USE IT!

You genuinely think your mum just saw something she shouldn’t have and now the world is going to implode. No, no, no, jocks stay on!

Is this actually happening? Is this actually happening?

The panting has reached fever pitch now and all three of you at once make a leap for the remote. The jig is up. You can’t pretend this is OK any longer.

Your mother gets there first and, like every Irish mammy, is utterly flummoxed by SkyPlus. Your mother accidentally pauses the sex scene. SHE PAUSES IT, WORLD.

That’s it. They’re on their own now. This is more than flesh and blood can stand. With a strangled ‘I’m making some tea", you take your leave on weak, trembling legs and promise yourself that the only thing you’ll ever watch with your parents is The Antiques Roadshow.